12:30 AM: Go to bed. The cats, naturally, follow us. Isis goes immediately to his spot, under the futon, directly underneath where I am sleeping.
12:31: It really hard to get comfortable with Mondale trying to nose his way under my body. Roll over and give the cat some space.
12:32: Sound asleep.
2:15: What the fuck? Move the kitten to stop the hand biting. Kitten is not deterred and bites the hand again. Move the kitten. Not deterred. Hand biting. Move the kitten. Hand biting. Hit the kitten on the top of his head.
2:16: Stop biting my hand! Fucking stop it! Move! MOVE!
2:17: Rearrange arms so they are contorted over my head, safely under pillows. Kitten is half under my shoulder. This is not comfortable, but there might be peace.
2:18: Sound asleep.
3:05: What the fuck? Kick the kitten to stop the foot biting. Kitten is not deterred and bites toes some more. Stop it! Sit up and drop the kitten off the bed. Kitten is back on the bed almost immediately.
3:06: STOP CHEWING ON MY HAND FUCKER! Move kitten to the end of the bed. STOP CHEWING ON MY FEET. I AM NOT FOR CHEWING ON. Move hands under pillows and feet under the sheet.
3:07: Sound asleep.
3:18: Did something just bite my chin, hard? Kitten is now on my chest, chewing on my face. Squeeze kitten until he grunts and moves away. Fall back to sleep.
4:02: THAT IS MY FACE THAT BELONGS TO ME AND IS NOT A CAT TOY. Move the cat bed from foot of bed to head of bed. Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. We are being firm and consistent. The problem here is that the kitten has probably been chewing on me the entire time I was asleep.
4:03-4:05: Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. We are being firm and consistent. Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. We are being firm and consistent. Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. We are being firm and consistent. Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. Pick kitten up off chest and put in the cat bed. We are being firm and consistent.
4:06: Fall asleep, probably with kitten halfway into bed.
5:10: STOP CHEWING ON MY HAND OH MY GOD. Recontort body into chewing-free position, now complete with sheet over my face. Fall asleep.
5:12: Drop kitten onto the other side of the boy. Maybe he'll bother him for awhile.
6:17: Pick kitten up and put him back in the cat bed. GET OFF MY CHEST. Wonder if I have kitten paw shaped bruises on my sternum yet. STOP CHEWING ON MY ARM. Put the kitten under torso and fall asleep with the kitten squirming under me.
7:07: THE HAND BELONGS TO ME AND IS MINE AND I DO NOT WISH FOR IT TO BE CHEWED ON. Wrap the kitten in the sheet. Recontort arms above head under pillows as a defense.
8:30 WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID??? I have made it MORE THAN CLEAR that I DO NOT WISH for you to lay on my chest and chew on my chin! WHAT ARE YOU CLIMBING BACK UP THERE?
8:31: I'm not being chewed on. This is strange. Open eyes. "Hi Isis! Do you want to lay on me? Awwww. Good morning. Is it time for breakfast? Okay, just a minute." Scratch big cat under the chin and fall right back to sleep.
8:45: Isis jumps to attention, waking me. Mondale is now trying to get back on me. Isis defends his girl. Mondale scurries off. Am very happy.
10:30: Isis jumps back to attention, waking me again. Cats scuffle, run off. Boy wakes up. Decide to face the day and feed the damned cats.
