{ Monday, August 22, 2005 }


You guys, I am so gassy.

It started Friday night. We were driving along on our way to Sedona when I felt some uncomfortable cramping in my stomach. I farted a couple of times on the way up, and then once we left the car, pretty much continuously for the next... well, it hasn't stopped yet.

I have no idea what brought this on. The cramps went away after the initial release. They're really stinky, kinda loud farts too. Really noxious fumes coming out of me in an almost constant stream.

At work I have my own office. So, on the one hand, woo! No one hears me when I fart! On the other hand, anyone walking in knows exactly who created that smell.

So, I started farting. Seriously, you have no idea just exactly how much super smelly noisy gas I'm emitting. Steady has even stopped thinking it's hilarious and now just reacts like "What's wrong with you and why did you do that so close to me?" It is a fair question.

And so I started looking for probable causes. What had I eaten? The same things I always eat. When was the last time I... oh, I don't remember. This week? Last week? Yeah, I was probably constipated. But I'm almost always constipated. Really now, mary ann, think, when was the last time you pooped?

I had no idea. I was now panicked that I was so constipated that the size of the, uh, blockage was so big that the air coming out was all from the force of my intestines trying to move it along. Saturday night, I had a nightmare in which I had to go to the hospital due to constipation and I was going to require surgery and I made the surgeon call my boss and tell him what was going on, because I was too embarassed.

Those fears went away Sunday afternoon when everything came out just fine, if slightly in abundance, thanks. However, I still have the gas.

Now that I'm talking about what a giant farting problem I've developed, I'm feeling like I haven't been proactive enough about this issue. I'm gonna go see what WebMD has to say on the topic of farting too much...

Well, that didn't tell me too much. They seem to be banking on this being a dietary issue, but I'm telling you that nothing changed in my diet and certainly not persistently over the last three days. Either that or I have colon cancer and am going to die.

Hopefully, I'll wake up tomorrow and my intestines will be back under control...

posted by mary ann 11:21 PM