{ Thursday, April 21, 2005 }

Not Better.

Last night when I still didn't feel better I had a little nervous breakdown about it. An entire day of being unable to get remotely comfortable doing anything and being alone... and no guarantee that today was going to be any better, or the day after that... and you know, my back is never going to be right. Discs don't just grow back.

And I was swimming. Swimming is not supposed to be hard on joints. When I was just starting second grade, I broke a bone in my heel. My doctor didn't put me in a cast because he is a saint and also because he wanted me to go swimming as often as possible because he is really into the importance of excersize.

I am supposed to swim. I'm from a swimming family, on both sides. One of my first memories is of watching the swim team swim laps from the deck at the country club, back when they had the old pool. I was young enough when it was replaced that I don't have any memories of myself being in it. It was, like, the coolest thing I'd ever seen.

My uncle beat Olympians in college. (He had the worst start of his entire career at the try-outs) A cousin on the other side was once one of the sixteen best swimmers in the country for his age group. My sister went to college on a swimming scholarship.

All of my aunts, uncles and cousins were lifeguards. I was on swim teams from "eight and under" on. I was a lifeguard. I advanced from polliwog on up to shark in swim lessons. I'm one of those swimming people.

I'm not a great swimmer. I was never any competition on the swim team because I am afraid of smacking into the wall; I could never do a decent flip turn or a whole lap of the back stroke without turning around to check. And I never had any lung capacity to speak of. I can swim farther underwater now than I could when I was seventeen and didn't smoke. But obviously, I have spent a good deal of my life in swimming pools.

And now I am sitting at home, when I should be on my way to work, in agony because I swam too much. And this is never going to get better. For the rest of my life, my back will hurt. Hopefully after today it won't hurt like this again for awhile...

I hate this. I hate that I can't go to work. I hate that I have to call and tell them that I am in debilitating pain from something that no one can help and will never get better. I hate that it might plant seeds of doubt in my boss's mind. I hate that I feel so completely helpless. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

posted by mary ann 8:44 AM