i am an all powerful amazon warrior
not just some sniveling girl
so no matter what i think i need
you know i can't possibly
have a need in this world
-- Ani Difranco, Oragami
Guess who is single once more? Oh, that would be me! What happened, mary ann?
Well, let me tell you... I've been waiting for days to tell you...
So, once upon a time in September, I met a boy. We called him Verde because his name is basically "Green" and once upon a time some of his ancestors lived somewhere that Spanish is spoken. Verde and I spent a day together while he assembled furniture at an office that we were about to open at the time. It's open now, and I still work at the main office, if you care about my boring job. (What is it that you do, mary ann? I'm the Administrative Services Manager. If that title didn't put you to sleep, well, me explaining my job to you probably would.)
There were other people also assembling furniture. I spent the day sitting on the newly assembled furniture, observing and providing color commentary. At the end of the day, he asked me if I had "an other half". It took me a minute to figure out what he was asking. Blahblahblah I gave him my number.
I knew I wasn't really interested, but you may recall that I was bored and lonely in Arizona with most of my friends and family living in Kentucky. And, honestly, there are very few people that I dislike so much I won't let them buy me dinner.
My sister finds this reasoning to be very poor, as I can buy my own damned dinner. She has a point, but I think I do too.
So, he called and we talked. And he called and we talked. And he called and we talked. And he kept not asking me out. This went on for three weeks. At the end of two weeks I was like "Hey, when do you think we might could go on a date?" and he was like "Next Wednesday when I get paid." And I thought, "I can buy my own damned dinner."
And so, that Sunday I asked him out and bought my own damned dinner. And some drinks. And he had a soda. And then he called me over and over and over again, and I thought, "Oh no. I have gotten myself into trouble here. This boy is very attached. I am not."
Then he disappeared. We had plans. He didn't show up. He was missing for three days. Considering where he was, it was VERY generous of me to just let that go. Then he disappeared again. For a week. Including flaking out on plans to help me get to the airport on time.
He called while I was in Kentucky. I was drunk, but even drunk the holes in the story were rather enormous. Whatever. I started assuring my friends that I would not hang on to this one.
i hated to pop the bubble
of me and you
but it only held enough oxygen
for a trip or two
-- A. D., Bubble
But we were mostly having fun, right? So, we kept at it. I gave him a few ground rules. He took them to heart right away. Things were okay.
(1. If I don't answer the phone, please wait at least an hour before calling again. Calling eight times in forty minutes while I am trying to nap might get you killed. 2. Wait to be invited to my house and again to stay the night before you tell me you're on your way after you finish packing a bag. 3. Mentioning your ex-wife when we are naked might get you killed.)
Then, because it is technically impossible for you to refer to me as your girlfriend even once in passing and manage to maintain both your job and your home (seriously. Never happened.), he found himself unemployed and broke. Then he got another job. Then he started sounding like he was about to be homeless.
Then last Saturday he was supposed to come over. He didn't. Then on Sunday he called and said he would come over. He never showed up and never called. Three No Call, No Shows is grounds termination in my book. I can buy my own damned dinner.
I began plotting what coffee shop I would meet him at when I delivered the bad news. After not hearing from him for three days, I changed the plan. The plan was now to break up by telephone if he should ever call. At the end of five days, I concluded I had been apathy dumped.
Today, I have the following conversation with him. He was sending text messages to my Messenger account. (Gah. Am I fifteen. Yes, I think I am.)
Verde says: hi
mary ann says: long time no see.
Verde says: sorry.i.freaked.out.call.ü.in.hour
mary ann says: k
Verde says: forgive.me.please.
mary ann says: my cell is turned off. call the house.
An hour later, the phone did not ring. Another hour after that, he sends me another message letting me know he is about to call. The phone rings.
I have no idea how long he actually monologued. It was really remarkably like what I do on the phone all the time and I know it's totally obnoxious but sometimes I just can't stop talking... Wait, according to the computer, it was about five minutes that he kept on.
He basically said "I did end up homeless and then they sent me out of town for work. I didn't call because I was depressed and broke. Also, I know you warned me not to get attached because you don't think you're going to stay here, but I was getting attached and that scared me. I'm living with my friend in his spare room, and I have a new cell phone."
I interrupted to inform him that I was finished with this nonsense. I just mentioned that three times was enough and I am not setting myself up for that again. I didn't mention anything else, no personal attacks. Just that I would not stand to be treated like this, he'd had enough chances. Then I hung up the phone. I can buy my own damned dinner.
The next messages were:
Verde says: i.dont.know.who.u.think.u.r.to.talk.to.me.that.way.but.was.rude
[Rude? Hanging up on him was rude, but whatever. That's how you break up with someone. You tell them what's what and then you get the hell out of there before it gets ugly. That's the only way I know of that works.]
Verde says: says: was.hoping.could.be.friends.but.guess.not.makes.me.sad
[I also don't have friends who stand me up regularly. Except for JV, and one time I got so angry about it from him that we didn't even speak for a month.]
Verde says: guess.i.know.how.u.really.r.now
[Yep. I have self-respect. I don't sit around waiting for people who routinely do not show up for a week. And I certainly do not do it more than three times. By the way? You can't engage me. I know that's what happens that makes break-ups not take and also get messy.]
While I was out getting dinner and listening to Ani all loud in the car, we moved into acceptance:
He also left me a voicemail. I'm just going to go ahead and put it on the internet verbatim. I typed it out for CanadaDave's entertainment as I listened to it. His heartbreak is our entertainment. I don't have girlfriends to do this with here. So, tonight, everyone's my girlfriend!
(Go ahead and send me hatemail about how tacky this is, making fun of my new ex by flaunting his reaction all over the internet. I already know and it's not stopping me, but it might make you feel better to let me know.)
Okay, mary ann, I see were goingto be childish about this. I am not kidding you when I swear that at the end of this first sentence I honestly thought this was a message from my father. Seriously. Thought it was Dad calling to yell at me about not calling my grandmother back. Then I thought "Wait, Dad's never called me "mary ann". Dad calls me "mary annie" or "Spamone". [That one's worth big points in the home game.] This just got very long, let's have a new paragraph, shall we?
I was just just calling to see if I had anything important over at your house. "You have to talk to me. You have my stuff." Oh yes, I've made this phone call before. The last desperate throws of the dumped. I didn't know if I left any other clothes than the pajamas and the work shirt no idea where those are if there are can you PLEASE be mature about this and call me and let me know.
Other than that like I said I'm sorry that it has to end this way and I'm sorry that you feel like you have to be a total ass about this because there is no need for this. I thought we were more mature than that. At least I thought you were. He said that. He really did.
Um, so, um, do me that favor and be an adult about it for a minute instead of running and hiding. By going to get dinner, I guess. And also not answering his messages with their weird periods instead of spaces. I mean, I'm the one who's sorry about this. You don't have anything to be sorry about but that doesn't mean you have to act like you are [acting].
I returned the call and left a message asking him what he wants to do about getting his stuff. No word back yet.
i played the powerless
in too many dark scenes
and i was blessed with a birth and a death
and i guess i just want some say in between
--A.D.,Talk to Me Now
You got through all that. Good job! For that, you get a picture of my pretty curly hair, because last time I only showed you pictures of my pretty straight hair. I took it today. I know. I'm so good to you since the baby came. Leave me and my endless vanity alone. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that I am going to die alone and a cat will probably eat my face before the neighbors complain about the smell.