{ Wednesday, March 03, 2004 }

Lost My Mind, Got a T-shirt.

Okay, so I'm beginning to lose it. Apparently, ten days of unstructured living is about all I can handle.

The house is no longer disgraceful; it's now merely messy. Last night I managed to run a vaccuum cleaner throughout most of my bedroom, it was really a major accomplishment.

I've gotten so far down on my to-do list that tonight I called Waste.

You read that correctly.

He e mailed me on the first of last month, and asked for my number so we could arrange for him to get some of our shared memorabilia. Possibly, he also wants his "Hugs!" shirt back. He can't have it, because it's just about the most entertaining thing ever. I wrote back, gave him my number and he never called.

So, I called him. I had to do some digging to get his mother's new number (I tried his step-mother first but she wasn't willing to give me his phone number. She did agree to tell him I'd called). His mother and I had a lovely chat, and she hooked me up with his cell phone number (and all the "what's he been up to anyway? answers).

I left him a voicemail. "This is mary ann. I don't mean to throw your whole life into upheaval or anything. I just wanted to get your address so I could send this stuff to you like you asked me to do. I had to hunt down your number; your mom was just pleased as punch to talk with me after your step-mother wouldn't give it to me. Okay, so, here's my cell phone number, it's local to you. Call me. Okay." Something to that effect. Rambly and tangental, but I managed not to talk about anything excepting how and why I was calling. For a message from me, that's really efficient.

He hasn't called me back. I sincerely hope that I didn't entirely blindside him. I mean, I don't know how a message from your ex-live-in-girlfriend to whom you have not given your phone number and haven't spoken with in 8 months could NOT blindside a person, but I do hope I didn't cause any emotional distress. (I used to make him very, um, I think the word we decided on was nervous).

I would like to hope that his face doesn't look like I think it will when he gets that message, or if he decides to call me back. With any luck, his mom's happiness at recounting how he's been employed continuously since the fall and is sharing an apartment and blahblahblah seems to have a whole life all together at one time means that he is also equipped to deal with a random voicemail from me on some Wednesday night.

Yeah, and then I thought about how I continue to watch ER, because I keep thinking that this is going to be the week when he suddenly calls me afterward. Except, I don't really believe that he will.

I think I was on the line with the sanity when I was calling. That last paragraph was when I officially popped over into "unravelling".

I was a little bit distressed. I've been basically alone in this house nearly 24 hours a day for roughly four days. I've spent about an hour, maybe two, either not in this house or not alone each day. At first this "shut myself in" plan had merit because as much as the mess doesn't bother me most of the time, when I'm completely immersed in it, I do clean up.

Now, I think I am beginning to come a little bit undone mentally.

So, I went out for smokie treats and a drive. And then I didn't have a lighter. So, I went to JV's house (it wasn't like I had chosen a destination or anything for this to be out of my way). He was very nice about the weird crazy lady who lives 15 miles away standing on his front porch.

We smoked a cigarette and he let me take the matches home with me, and he delivered a short lecture or two on not calling people who don't give me their phone numbers and also people who have specifically asked me not to call (I was just about ready to call NotBoyAnymore. I've been typing those journal entries, they're hugely about him, and my innerneuroticfifteenyearold is rearing her ugly head.)

He also gave me the shirt off his back. It's an off-black t-shirt and it was a little too small for him. The first time I said "I think that shirt would fit me", he thought I was trying to be snide in some way. "I really like it. I think it would fit me." didn't seem to get the point across. Finally I said something along the lines of "If given the chance, I would totally steal that t-shirt." a couple of times and then, it was mine. Some people are entirely too nice to me.

I had to promise to return his navy blue cardigan in exchange. I keep wearing that sweater, but I have three navy blue cardigans of my own (because I have the most amazingly large wardrobe that's nearly entirely blue, black and brown, with a little green for when I'm feeling crazy, that you can possibly imagine), so I can return his.

Ani has had a new CD out for like a month and can you believe that no boy has jumped up to buy it for me? I've never had to buy my own Ani Difranco CDs before. I'm such a spoiled brat. My birthday is in a few weeks, so it might yet happen.

I'm really excited about my new t-shirt. Not so excited about my newfound loss of sanity.

posted by mary ann 10:51 PM