{ Tuesday, December 10, 2002 }

Anxiety Be Gone.

Hi, I have a thousand things I have got to do today (see: The entire list from yesterday).

Writer Guy was the brave soul who broached the "direction of this relationship" issue. Last night. In an e-mail. I'm pretty sure we in agreement on everything and all of that is just lovely. Oh, and guess what, I've been referred to as someone's girlfriend in "casual conversation" without an ex- in front of it recently. (Hee! But also, Ahh! because that how I tend to react to those sorts of things. I don't know why everyone seems to think guys are the ones with the committment issues. I've got issues going both way and fighting with eachother and causing my issues to have issues about committment)

Meanwhile last night I had a marvelous bout with rationalization. I was sitting in the living room, giving Heart of Darkness one more lousy shot at Kristie's begging. I confessed it was one of the three books I started and never finished. She tells me it's horrible until the end and then I'll prolly like it.

And I thought: "I would like to take a shot right now"
And then I thought "How would tequila enhance this experience in any way?"
And then I thought "Yeah this really isn't an occasion for getting drunk"
And then I thought "You shouldn't wait for a special occasion to do special things."
And then I thought "That's a terrible rationalization."
And then I thought "But I'm going to go with it."

And I took a three ounce shot. I'm starting to understand why people might get the impression that I have a drinking problem. That's really kinda scary because there's an enormous streak of alcholism in my family on all fronts. So, I am aware that the rationalization is potentially the Sign Of A More Serious Problem. Which brings me to ponder all the infinite ways there are to interact with booze and just which ones are the problems...

Then I called Jeff because it felt like it'd been forever since we caught up. We chit chatted away and then his roommate got on the phone to say hi and how are you (at my request) and we kept talking and his roommate started splatting nonsense into the phone. He sounded like a cross between any member of the Christian Coalition (only on absurdly heavy satire mode) and that guy who ran as Perot's VP.

And so I humoured him like one humours anyone who is trying to be funny by attacking your beliefs. It's a thirteen-year-old-smart-ass thing to do, but as in touch as I am with my innerneuroticfifteenyearold.... I can totally see the humour in it in that "You're a grown man who hasn't managed to find a better way to get attention than to go for negative attention and it's okay because I remember when I was thirteen and that was very funny" nostalgic sort-of way.

When we got off the phone... I went to sleep. And then the roommate called me back to apologize and make sure I wasn't offended. I was mostly asleep and I think I just was like "whatever". (I don't want y'all to think that Jeff's roommate is an asshole.)

And that's pretty much the state of affairs at the moment. Also some things have worked out and I'm not nearly as flipped out about the money thing anymore. I was confused about some due dates. All that other stuff? Not done yet. And it's time for the Bold and the Beautiful. It's all about the priorities...

posted by mary ann 11:15 AM