{ Monday, November 25, 2002 }


So I was re reading Waste's blog. He e mailed me and in the e mail he mentioned updating the blog. But he didn't. So I reread the entry.

I really hate that he's hiding behind his upbringing. That's so easy. That's such crap. It's not the case. He had an apartment and a job and a life once, before we dated. He was in school. He managed to make it all work. Yeah, okay, he got tired of it and just stopped. But he didn't get evicted or fired. He just gave up and went home.

Anyway, his parents are not really the problem. I mean, sure anyone who lets their twenty-two year old son not work, not go to school and still have a house and food is part of the problem. But really, the problem is his.

He knew that how he was behaving was absolutely unacceptable. He just didn't know I wasn't going to let him get away with it forever.

He's so silly like that. That part I can let him blame the parents for. He seems to think he can get away with lying to me. About little things ("This call isn't costing Mom money, I bought a phone card." "Um, then why did her number show on the caller-id?" "Um, I forgot to use it?") and the big things.

He seems to think he can just get away with crap. And I refused to deal with that kind of person. And now he's trying to reform. But I don't see what good it will do him to reform "for" me. I mean, maybe we'll end up back together. Maybe. And maybe we wont. And maybe we'll break up. And maybe this time it'll be him breaking up with me. And if he was only employed and educated "for" me?? What then? Will he fall right back off the wagon? Does it count if he's only doing it "for" me?

I feel like it doesn't. I feel like that's a very fleeting reason to change who you are. I think it's shitty that I tried to motivate him for more than a year with every stratedgy I knew and then finally he moved out and now he's all like "I can change. Give me a chance to change." eight months later. That's almost two years that it's taken him. And PS, he still doesn't have a job.

But it is flattering to be the reason someone is uprooting their existence and changing it for what can only be the better. I mean, really... it's flattering.

Today I wandered around my sister's neighborhood on foot. My right leg might not ever recover. I came back and got confused. I forgot to write down her apartment number. But I got it all worked out and took a nice long nap. She should be home any minute now. From work. It's one am. Poor Shelly.

posted by mary ann 1:50 AM