{ Thursday, November 21, 2002 }

Confessions of The Girl With the Finite Relationships.

"I'd rather have a few minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special at all." - Steel Magnolias.

Confession time (Y'all are like, "babe, this is, apparently, confession week")

First off, yeah, okay, I can quote Steel Magnolias. The woman whose life that movie was based on was a member of my sorority. There was a lot of Steel Magnolias watching going on in that house. And I do like that quote.

Second, the real one.

I'm doing it again. I'm falling for the boy I cannot have. It's a theme in my life. I tend to date guys that no one will blame me for not staying with long after I know there's no way I am staying with them. And it's not just that text-book marriage-phobia of the girl who's seen four step mothers come and go. It's more like "I keep falling for guys who are in a good position for me to be dating and then that all falls apart and I wait around for it to come back.". And I'm not trying to make this sound like I'm in some unique situation. I know I'm not.

But here's what's up.

WriterGuy is fabulous. He's quite dreamy. Let me extoll some of his virtues: he's a vegetarian (not as strict as I am), he's cute, he's funny, he reads, he writes, he has a grown-up attitude about work and a real job to back it up, his house is as messy as mine, he apparently is entertained by my drunken dialing, as far as I can tell he has no x-wives or children, he hasn't mentioned any friends going to jail, his politics and religious views in no way offend me and I actually agree with most of them, etc. etc. etc.

But it looks like he's moving. Out of the state. In like January. To work with at-risk youths. Nothing is for sure, but he seems to really want this job and it sounds like a great oppurtunity. So, I'm all enthusiastically cheering him on. Because I should. Because it IS great. For him. For the at-risk youths. For everyone but me.

And I voiced my concern about *me* in all of this the other night when I was drunk. To his voicemail. Because really, I know I shouldn't be doing that. But I felt like it needed to be said. And basically I learned that he wants just keep things at status-quo until then. There was no mention of re-evaluating later. So I don't have to agonize over that. He takes this job, that's it for anything between us.

And it is completely and absolutely unfair for me to be anything but happy for him. I mean, I barely know the guy, I've been out with him a few times, and he wants to go do something great for the world. And it's not right for me to say anything about me in all of this. He has no obligation to not hurt me. It's not his problem if I am falling for him. My feelings are not his responsibility and there's no reason for them to be his concern.

But this sucks for me. And I know, this isn't the hardest thing I'll ever have to deal with and I know that it isn't really even a problem in the grand scheme of things. And I know that breaking up because of circumstances is better than breaking up and getting a list of my faults. Easier on the self esteem, harder on the heart. No room for bitter at anything but the universe there.

So, here I am. I really like this guy. I really want to fall for this guy. I really do. But the possibilities are so finite. I know he's probably leaving, I have no reason (or right) to think that anything but the end of this will happen when/if that happens. I don't think I would want anything but the end of this if he leaves a month after I get back. And I am happy for him. This is a great thing he wants to go and do.

I'm not going to stop seeing him. I considered that option. "Spare yourself now, mary ann.". No. That's stupid. That's being afraid of experience and being afraid of getting hurt. That's limiting myself because of my fears. That's no way to go about anything.

I'm just going to see what happens and deal with it when it does. Meanwhile, I'm trying very hard not to hedge my bets and not to get bitter and not to close off. I don't want to limit my experiences because I am scared of getting hurt.

And that's sorta why I haven't written more about him. I don't want him to be all scared of hurting me or whatever (he reads this, Hi WriterGuy! See how you didn't get stuck with a nomiker like ScaryFloridianStalkerGuy?) And I was thinking "this way, when it ends, you won't torture yourself with your archives". But that's being scared. That's limiting myself. That's not doing what I want cause I am scared of getting hurt. And that's stupid.

Plus, nothing is for sure on this moving thing. Which is why I haven't really said anything. Because it's not my place to say anything and certainly not when he's not sure. He wants to go help the world. I can't be planting seeds of doubt in someone else's mind. And I was afraid I would go and write all about how he was moving and then something would happen and he'd stay and I'd feel all stupid. But that's silly.

But this sucks. On some level, regardless as to how much fun I am having now, and how much I don't even want to get stuck considering if I am prepared for a relationship locally or otherwise, and how great what he wants to go and do is, making everything finite sucks and will be tricky. This isn't one of those like Waste... where I could think "Maybe, at some point, that serious stumbling block will go away".... It's finite.

There I said it. And if half those thoughts barely make sense to anyone else, well, it's more like "There I finally explored that whole thought process beyond 'It's not right for you to think of yourself at this point.'." than "There I said it".

posted by mary ann 11:37 AM