{ Wednesday, October 09, 2002 }

Self Esteem

So, I thought that perhaps BoyfriendFromHighSchool had rejoined the "we hate mary ann" club. Cause see, I called him one night and I asked for him and I thought it was him who said "Is this mary ann? Sorry, he's not here" and hung up. I didn't know the roommate recognized my voice. I talked to him tonight though and he didn't bring up being mad at me. We chatted for a bit... I guess I am just paranoid.

It's been awhile since anyone declared that they just don't like me. Usually I do something to provoke this and I've been flying under the gossip radar. It's kinda nice.

Then a friend was over here the other night and she was about to go sell some clothes and I was like "hey, what size are those?" and I totally thought she was smaller than me, but I purchased three pairs of pants from her for roughly fair market consignment value. And they totally fit me. It was pretty exciting. It's strange the way that I can't guage my own thinness. I have to have a physical thing like pants to make me see that I am really as thin as That Girl. I mean, for months I've been thinking "sure, I was that small when I was eighteen", but it turns out I'm that thin now. Her abs are waaaaaay better than mine, but I don't want to mention when the last time was that I did crunches...

I have been talking a lot to my friends about a certain boy and if he might happen to like me and blah blah blah... Three times in the last thirty-six hours, I've said "I think he likes me" or "I think he's at least attracted to me" or something along those lines about how I have an inkling that he might be interested and three times I've been told "Of course he does, it's you.". Either my friends think I have a really high opinion of myself (and are sarcastic, but I already knew that) or they're just so nice (which they are, but they usually tell me the truth... "honestly, mary, honestly. Didn't you think that when ...."). I'm choosing to think it wasn't just sarcasm and my friends happen to think I am able to attract boys well.

For the record, I've changed my mind about all of that. It's out of my system. I think I was wrong. I am so damned fickle. Whatever it was, it's over. I mean, I'm not interested really and I think, while there was some chemistry for a minute, he's over it too. It's fine.

And I've managed to only miss the bus once in almost three weeks. That really counts for a lot where my self esteem is concerned.

Aside from hating my job... It does up the self esteem quotient. I mean, I've managed to make the bus all but one day (as opposed to the way that historically speaking I miss the bus 90% of the time). And I did get a job offer (which I regret accepting, but I don't know what else to do) on my first temp assignment.

So, I feel pretty good about myself. No scandals, no new "we hate mary ann club" members (they don't really bother me when they happen but it's nice to not have any for once), some new-to-me trendy kid clothes that previously belonged to someone who is totally as thin as I want to be and it turns out I am, punctuality, and people telling me that "of course" a boy would like me. I feel like an angry e mail from my mother must be right around the corner... and I ought to be reserving one hand to knock wood at all times....

posted by mary ann 6:50 PM