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{ Wednesday, July 28, 2004 }

Under the Influence

 
I know everyone loves it when I update while drunk.

I'm not actually drunk yet.  I'm working on it.  Believe it or not, I've only had four alcoholic beverages (before today) this month.

I had a good day at work and then suddenly and without warning I was ambushed by a mistake forty-five minutes before I was due to leave.  It's a long story, but the gist of it is that I did something, it was wrong, I felt like shit about it, I fixed it, I was very happy about making it right, and then it wasn't actually.

I understand in theory that we all make mistakes.  I certainly understand that everyone has accidental fuck-ups and miscommunications and that failure to live up to one's potential certainly runs rampant in my life.  I certainly understand that, sometimes, I arrive at conclusions that are just wrong.

But then when I make a mistake I'm all critical thinking and I'm like "If I had just _________ this would not have happened."  (right, mary ann, that's why they say that hindsight is twenty/twenty)  It just all seems so avoidable, preventable.  Like if I were just paying enough attention and thinking the way I should, I would stop making mistakes.

Or maybe like the mistakes I make are stupid ones.  I don't know.

I just have a hard time with the fallible part of being human, especially where work is concerned.

Let's blame my grandmother, she's dead, so she can't defend herself (have I mentioned that I've been drinking?).  She trained me like this.  When something goes wrong, the first thing I hear is my grandmother (or my mother who sounds more and more like her with each passing day, not that I am one to talk) asking me "Now, where did this go wrong?  How could you have anticipated this?  Where did you fail?"

I tend to fixate on the exact spot where it all went wrong, and why I should have known better.  From there, it's easy to beat yourself up for behaving like an idiot.

Okay, so, I made a mistake and then another mistake and it still can be fixed, but this is turning into an enormous hassle and I am beginning to feel like quite an idiot.  It's not a pleasant feeling.

And I started my period today.  I don't do well with being menstrual and hot.  When I worked at summer camp, my period in July was always characterized by vomitting until I fainted.  Then I would land myself in the air conditioned infirmiry.  "What happened?  How did you get this sick?" "I started my period and it was hot outside.  This is normal for me.  I just need a day in the air conditioning and then I'll be fine."

Everytime I would walk out of the little room with the beds in it to go to the bathroom, the wall of hot air would hit me and I would proceed to vomit until I fainted.

So, I was driving home, feeling like an idiot, pulling over sometimes to puke, and hoping I would not faint with my head hanging out the side of the running car parked on the side of the road.  My garage door is doing this weird thing where it won't stay down, and the maintenance people were supposed to look at it today.  I was supposed to get back here before the office closed so I could get the garage door opener back.

I remembered that right up until the car got cold enough that I stopped puking and was suddenly starving.  Then all I remembered was to stop at the grocery store near my house.  I was a little weak kneed from the heat on the walk in, but I was down to dry heaves and somehow I did not faint in the parking lot.  Points to me.

I bought rice dream, egg rolls. and liquor.  Managed to arrive home safely, and find not in the garage parking (because the office was closed due to my little "I need to drink.  And have ice cream!" detour).

So, I'm now several ciders, two eggrolls and three ice cream sandwhiches into my evening.  I have a couple more ciders, a bottle of red wine and three more rice dream sandwhiches to potentially imbibe. My appendages are numb, the air conditioning is set to "frozen" (which is actually only 78*F), and I am starting to feel much less terrible about myself.

posted by mary ann 7:22 PM


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