{ Sunday, April 25, 2004 }

What I've Been Up To...

I'm moving to Arizona. In approximately two weeks.

I haven't signed the contract yet because everything just got finalized on Friday, so it hasn't had time to get here yet.

I'm a mess right now. The PMS really isn't helping things any, and we're all just going to pretend like that's what's wrong with me and in a couple of days maybe I'll chill out a little bit. I don't think I can stand to be around me for the next two weeks if I don't.

I'm going through long hours of being very, very clingy. It doesn't really matter to me who or what I grab on to, everything is changing and I want consistency. Yesterday I got irritated because my purse was moved about eighteen inches down the coffee table to make room for a pizza box. Seriously, I very nearly cried because I knew I set my purse on that corner of the coffee table and I had just seen it and where did it go and why was I not informed? This is not about the other stuff on the coffee table. This is not about the greater mess in the room. This is about anyone else, who doesn't live here, and the right to affect my mess in any way without my permission in my house if your name is not on the lease. Why would you not tell me that you were moving my purse?

Completely overreacting and probably a little bit irrational. The purse moved eighteen inches, tops, on the same piece of furniture.

Yeah so I am simultaneously desperate to be around people and not the kind of person anyone would want to be around. Please be patient with me, moving across the country might actually be the hardest thing I've ever done.

I frequently cope with things by taking a deep breath and saying "This is not the hardest thing I'll ever do.", but this might actually be the hardest thing. Leaving everyone except the cat two thousand miles away. I mean, successfully travelling to Arizona with the cat (forget my plants or any of my stuff) alone seems pretty daunting, without, you know, all that other stuff about finding a place, making friends and starting a new job in a place that I don't really understand yet...

I went hiking in the gorge yesterday and successfully managed to not cry about it. I took Nikki to Rabbit Hash the other night, but I did cry about that.

I don't want to pack. I don't want to pack. I hate packing. I hate moving. I don't like looking for a place to live. I don't want to pack.

For all the moving I've done, I've never actually had to pick out the location. Waste and I did look at the first apartment together, but then he did all the scouting and the work for the second one. Emma and Ellie picked the first house we lived in while I was on vacation, and Emma did most of the work to find this house. I really don't enjoy driving around looking for a place to live. I actually really, really hate it and that's when I'm doing it within a familiar city... Hunting on a dial-up connection is also pretty bad.

So, I'm losing my mind, and it's not very productive. It's not helping me with what I actually need to be doing... which is trying to get my room and my house clean so that I can begin the daunting task of seperating mine from Emma's and getting it packed... while also finding a place to live... and working out the precise logistics of this move... and trying not to get into a frenzy where I harass people to spend all of their time with me because I'm leaving and everything is going to change and I need to be clingy right now, but I'm also very stressed out and my temper is really short and there is almost no pleasing me and I'm probably very annoying and I can barely talk or think of anything except moving and let's just all be glad that I don't have more time to stew about it.

Ultimately, I'm sure that moving across the country will be very good for me. I'm sure that I can do this and I will get through this and I will actually come back and visit and I will make friends and I know this will be very good for my resume and all that growing as a person business. I just have to get through the next couple of weeks without spending too much time and energy wallowing about how every little thing about my life is about to change and trying to get prepared and just generally freaking out.

So, that's the update. I'm slated to move in about two weeks, I'm clinging to any appearance of stability, and this might actually be harder than anything else I've ever done. Right now, having barely started, I'm pretty sure I can actually do this, I'm just not so sure if I can do it sane.

posted by mary ann 8:57 AM