{ Sunday, February 09, 2003 }



[This is a Februarium entry. The assignment:

Day One, February 10: Who you love.
- This is a love letter to anyone. Or no one in particular. Parent, spouse, significant other, ex-lover, pet dog -- you write it all down here.

Here I chose four people to whom I could honestly say at one point or another, "You mean the world to me and then some" Three are ex boyfriends, one is just a friend]


"I'm telling you, you have to write a manual about me."
My own personal Dear Abby. What would I do without you? How many ledges have you talked me down from? How would I ever get along without you?

Let's talk about grammar, diction, maps, cartography, computers, Catholicism, your church choir, my roommates, your girlfriend, my boyfriend, masturbation, my cat, whether or not your parents hate me, a thousand and one hypothetical questions that test the boundaries of what sane, rational people might consider....

Except, let's not finish half the sentences. Because they don't need to be finished. But never form an opinion about the situation without getting every single facet of information you could possibly need.

We solve each other's problems, you're the one I turn to when I need to giggle about grammar, there are a thousand things we'll never agree about, but at least we never give up until we understand each other.


The day you pulled me across the cafeteria by my hair, I'm sure some adult said "They'll end up together.". I don't think I'd ever been as mad at anyone as I was with you when you were the guy my best friend's girlfriend cheated on him with. Do you remember Rome? Will you ever forget? We had a real conversation for the first time. And we learned that we loved eachother. My necklace finally gave out the other day, after seven and a half years of almost never taking it off.

And Paris. I'll never forget that afternoon in the reflecting pool. You swimming and me sitting there. I can feel the blush on my face when you looked at me like that. It scared me. You know the rest of that night. I'm sorry it ended so badly. I really am. Paris will always be everything that was Us to me. But you already know that. I wonder if it makes you smile or cry?

Remember that game of euchre? I know that isn't ever far from the front of your mind. "We didn't speak for six months once over a hand of euchre." I know you still think you were right. I had my principles. Oh, but I know, you don't believe in any of that. Silly me.

"What you need is a fling" "I can't stop thinking about you" "I don't hate you anymore" "I love you" And what a fling we had!

We found each other again. And this time it was Serious. How many weekends did I spend with you holed up in that fraternity house? Or that apartment? My first drink. My formative smoking experiences. I lost my virginity on that mattress you still sleep on. So many firsts with you.

We did have a content moment or two. That night in the parking lot with the snow and the drinks and the music. It really was perfect. For us.

That night when the whole city was flooded and I was so scared and you made me drive through that fucking lake that shut down the interstate twenty minutes later.... I don't think either of us still believe we lived through it, but I never would've thought I could manage to drive in that if you hadn't insisted I was fine. I know you were as scared as I was.

In the end, you rolled your eyes at me and overlooked my behaviour for a little too long. I know that our magic spell will never leave us ambivalent. We might have our resting periods, but I know that forever, ten minutes alone with you and one of us will have to laugh or want to scream. It's just Us.


Do you remember our first date? "You looked so scared" "You were holding down my hair, I couldn't move my head" "My bad". "Click click click.... whee!" goes the escalator when you're playing that it's a rollercoaster....

And then there was that horrible date in the mall. Followed by that cloud movie. I watched it recently. I didn't miss much sleeping through the whole thing.

"You ordered the tuna fish, I only got onions and peppers to spite you" "Whatever you do, don't eat the candy hearts!" "You were never more endearing than when you were being an elf" "I'm a giant pumpkin!" "I'm a nomad. This is my blanket." "They're walking. Got to go. Bye." "The music, it's mocking me!" "The people are here and I have to play cards with them"

There were too many silly moments to try to sum up ever. You were the one who got me talking. For fifteen years I almost never spoke. I still can't stop. You were the one who allowed me to be myself. You were my example. You were the one who taught me how not to care so much about what everyone else thought. You were the person who taught me to be happy. You were the one who made my silliness shine. You were the one who made me believe I was beautiful. I can't tell you enough about the positive impact you had on my personality.

We've grown up together. Remember how we were both straight edge? Remember that party when I got so mad I punched you in the nose? It's amazing how little bitterness there is between us. But then, we both knew eachother when.


"Why are you so nice to me?"
"At least til we're eighty"
"What's on the teevee?" "Commercials" "What does that mean?" "HUGS!"

"I love you. And I love him. But you're both so much more when you're together."
We are. We are so much more when we're together. You're the answer to all my banter. I'm telling you we could totally whore ourselves out... there's a market for this... just get paid to go to parties and talk to eachother for everyone's amusement.

You know. I know. We can be infinitely silly. We can be infinitely serious. We've seen the best, we've seen the worst, we probably accidentally ended up wearing eachother's t-shirts about it.

I don't think there are words that can do us justice. "You're my favorite." "Favorite what?" "Everything" We're just more when we're together. I would offer you my pulse if I thought you needed it. I wonder if I'll always feel this incomplete without you...

posted by mary ann 10:00 PM