{ Thursday, January 09, 2003 }

Much Better.

I am feeling much, much better. Last night I started to get well, and this morning I think I am well.

Which is good, because the night before last I almost cut my own hair in a fit of fever induced hysteria. It's gotten pretty long since my last haircut in July. And it wouldn't stay back comfortably. All I wanted was my hair off my neck and out of my face and not pulling on any part of my head. Washing it would have fixed that, but cutting it sounded much more cathartic. Fortunately, Ellie stopped me from hacking at my own head by reminding me I had a fever and sending me back to bed.

Meanwhile, I am feeling much better. Yesterday I even got dressed. I didn't actually make it out of the house (well, any farther away than the gas station), but I did get dressed. Today I have to get dressed and leave the house and run errands.

This car thing is such a pain in the ass. Because, see, I need a car so I can get all of these things accomplished in a timely manner. If I'd had a car, I could've gone to school Tuesday or Wednesday and gotten everything done and be enrolled in classes. Except I couldn't because riding a bike when you have the flu is a bad, bad idea. And I can't have the car until I am enrolled in classes.

And there's a certain level of aversion therapy going on with me and school. Both of the times I have had to go there... well, the first time, it was raining and I was sore for days. The second time, it began snowing out of nowhere and about half an inch fell while I was trying to get there, and then I got the flu.

It's not a bad ride. It's probably two miles... Twelve minutes on the bike. No big hills. It shouldn't be bad. Except that I think it's bad because I haven't had a trip there that wasn't an epic journey through the elements. Today I have to take a copy of my lease and two more letters from other people stating that I am financially independent of my mother. Hopefully, once that is done, I'll be able to enroll in classes, you know, since they started Monday.

The financial aid officer guy seemed to like me. He said I was "very articulate and well spoken". The admissions officer is allowing me to continue to rest on my laurels... she thinks that the fact that I skipped two grades when I was twelve obviously means I am a mature, responsible adult who will make a devoted and successful student. Never mind that I am currently an unemployed college drop-out. If I skipped two grades ten years ago, I must be perfect. They haven't seen my transcripts yet.

If I win and I manage to get enrolled in classes, I might just celebrate by paying someone to cut my hair. Really, I just want to pay someone to wash my hair, but it needs to be cut as well. I also have to celebrate by getting car insurance quotes.

Getting car insurance quotes scares me. This is the last hurdle (well, after getting into school) that stands between me and driving. There are some people that would tell you that a girl with absolutely no depth perception and a driving record like mine (I've never committed a moving violation, but I tend to hit things) maybe shouldn't drive at all. I'm afraid that the insurance companies are all going to take that side. Except they're more diplomatic than that, so they'll express their opinion through charging me a million dollars.

And my mother doesn't seem to get that since I haven't had a car (and thus insurance) for a year, and since she's fifty and a homeowner and meets all the criteria for being a Responsible Adult, my insurance is going to be very expensive as compared with hers. Hopefully, I'll be able to find someone who will insure me for not that much.

Then, once I have a car, my ability to get a job will go up immensly. Because I'll be able to look for jobs outside the two mile raduis around my house and the bus route. Also, I think the college may be able to give me some help finding a job. And I need a damned job. I need a real, regular income. And something to do with my time.

I've had four people tell me in the last week that I am squandering my potential. I love that my friends and relatives all think I am so damned brilliant and capable. I've been instructed to get on The Motivation Bandwagon. I asked what it was that I should be motivated to do, exactly. Apparently that's the part that only I can supply. (Unless you ask Tina or Jeff, in which case I need to clean my house, stop smoking, drink less and get a job. I think there was more on that list, but those were the high points.)

I have a problem when no one gives me a path. Because I am completely neutral to almost everything. I don't know what I want to do with myself and my life. I want to have great friends, a cute cat, good books to read and enough money to keep my heat on. That's basically it. And aside from the money, I have that.

If someone can tell me what field it is that I want to go into and what it is that I want to do with my life that would constitute Living Up To My Potential, please let me know, because I am very open to suggestions. Meanwhile, until you have the answers, thanks for the vote of confidence, but I don't know what it is I want to do. And if you don't either, go join my mother on the Resignation Express where you can all sigh and go "well, at least she's going back to school, that's a start.".

posted by mary ann 10:00 AM