{ Wednesday, October 09, 2002 }

A Workday...

Things To Do At Work When You Hate Your Job and Are More Or Less Chained to the Phone

* Give yourself white out manicures.

* Realize that the white out manicure always comes out too bumpy and scrape it off.

* Give yourself white-out tape manicures.

* Scrape them off.

* Remove your contact, claim it fell off and waste five minutes in the bathroom putting it back in.

* Doodle with white out on colored post-it notes.

* Use tape to exfoliate your face.

* Call roommate and beg her to put the phone near the television during your soap.

* Color in all the boxes and images on the desk calendar.

* Reorganize the desk drawers.

* See how long you can pay attention to the seconds clicking by on the clock.

* Synchronize the telephone clock and the calculator clock. Think of how handy that will be when they go out to solve crimes at night when the office is closed. Imagine a whole cartoon based around this premise.

* See how fast you have to spin the rolodex to make something fly out.

* Use a paperclip to clean your ears.

* Arrange to play the hold music from the speaker on the telephone. Get very excited and turn it up loud when a really "great" easy listening song comes on.

* Wonder if the people responsible for selecting the hold music take requests and who you'd have to contact about that.

* Try to decipher a pattern in the hold music. Does it get peppy-er at lunchtime? Quieter in the morning?

* Attempt to use tape to make oragami.

* Create a series of drawings on post-it notes which attempt to abstractly express your wish to be anywhere else in the world.

* Create a series of drawings on post-it notes which attempt to abstractly express your desire for a cigarette.

* Envision a world in which you are a very respected corporate post-it note abstract artist.

* Using a stamp pad, spit and an eraser, upgrade from pencils to almost India Ink paintings which attempt to abstractly convey your desire to be smoking anywhere else in the world.

* Decide that the people constantly stealing your white-out are aware of just how much time you spend using it as a nail polish and art supply.

* Try to meditate. Get mad when the phone wrecks your concentration.

* Play with the calculator and your budget.

* Spin around a lot in your desk chair. Watch the calculator clock and see how long you can keep going.

* Examine your hair strand by strand for split ends. Cut off any you find.

* Attempt to create discernible images by dripping coffee on your post-it notes.

* Wonder how roommates feel about the fact that you bring home a million pieces of post it note art every evening.

* Realize that perhaps the world doesn't know just exactly how bored you are by your job and create a list like this to post on the internet.

That's what I do during the seven hours a day that I stare at the telephone.

posted by mary ann 3:56 PM